People keep asking me about dating.. as in when I'm going start... Well... when I think about dating I'd be lying if I said there wasn't an initial little thrill at the thought of someone new. But it fades quickly. Ending with a shoulder slumping “ugh..”
I SO do not want to deal with that whole ‘getting to know someone’ phase and the awkwardness that comes with it. I’d rather visit the dentist for a root canal. Nice, huh? It’s the truth though. The very idea of re-entering that world is overwhelming, not at all pleasant and makes me shudder.
So when it comes right down to it, the answer to everyone’s question is.. I don’t know. At the moment I don’t have the time or the desire to think about it let alone actually do something about it. I suppose sooner or later it will happen. Likely when I’m least expecting it. How open I am to it, when it does happen, remains to be seen.
Trust is going to be a major issue. That is me, trusting a member of the male species. If my pre-marriage experiences weren’t enough to shatter my faith in all men, my marriage certainly finished the job. Now don’t any men go and get their boxer briefs in a bunch. I’m not saying all men are untrustworthy or players or blithering idiots. Just the one’s still part of the available pool. The good men are all taken or gay. As far as I can tell anyway. Or, if there are any good one’s left, they’re outside of the realm of attainability. Because I haven’t seen one around here lately. And unfortunately relocation is not an option.
Ugh.. I got married so I’d never have to deal with this s**t again. I could pledge a life of singlehood and celibacy. And I have uttered just those words to my closest friends (and probably all of my Facebook buddies as well). But again, I have to be honest, I have moments of loneliness. They pass quickly but I know eventually it’s going to bother me a lot more.
And yes, I KNOW I have six kids (eye roll) and I LOVE and ADORE all six of them. So PLEASE don’t toss that line (But you have six kids!!) my way or I may have to hurt you. (said with love) It’s not the same thing. And if you think it is you’re either happily married/attached or delusional. Therefore making you incapable of really understanding where I'm coming from. (again said with a smile)
I miss the intimacy that kind of relationship has. Not sex. So get your minds out of the gutter. Intimacy is not always synonymous with sex. It's about the deep connection between two people committed to, and deeply in love with, one another. There’s an empty space where that relationship used to be. I am finding things to fill that space with.. temporarily. I suspect that, eventually, I’ll want that kind of relationship to fill it again. Maybe. (shudder) See! I shudder every time I think about the notion... (shudder)