Saturday, September 24, 2011

Just existing...

I go to work. I cook. I clean. I do the laundry. I pay the bills. I take care of the kids. I read a lot. I watch a lot of TV. I don’t sleep much. I don’t eat much or much of the right things. I cry more often than I thought I would at this point. I don’t feel good. I don’t feel happy. I’m not living. I just exist.

I trust no one. I’ve slowly begun to build a wall around myself. I’ve closed myself off from just about everyone and everything. I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m angry at certain people, at certain situations. I hold it all in. I fight the urge to let loose a volcanic tirade on the ex, on his family, on his friends, on some of my former friends and all of the people who have used me, abused my kindness, taken advantage of my vulnerability and then tossed me aside like I was little more than garbage. And then used crap excuses and bold face lies to justify their attitudes and behavior.

I have bitterness in my heart that no amount of wishing, praying or “kissing it up to God” has changed. I take pleasure in the misfortune and bad luck of those who have hurt and wronged me. I don’t like that feeling. I’ve always been a sympathetic person. I’ve always felt a profound sadness and empathy for others when they’ve gone through rough times. Now I relish it, enjoy it. I think, “Good! They deserve it. Karma is a bitch isn’t it? I hope they’re miserable every second of every day of the rest of their lives.” I want them to hurt. I want them to feel the same pain and humiliation they inflicted on me. In my bitter, aching heart I think they deserve it.

I’m told it’s normal, human, to feel this way. And that may be. But I don’t have to like it. I don’t want to feel this way. I’m told to “Just let it go.”. Gee, now that’s a fabulous idea. Now tell me HOW. HOW do I “let go of it”?? Is there’s a switch somewhere I’m unaware of?? Am I missing some vital component that I need in order to “just let it go”?? Because it would seem that I am incapable of doing that.

I find myself lying awake at night, staring into the dark, unable to sleep. There’s an ever changing, never ending, movie playing in my head. I imagine terrible things happening to the people I can’t stop hating. And I imagine turning them away with a bitter, evil laugh if they come crying to me with their woes. I imagine looking them in the eye and telling them that they’re getting what they deserve. These feelings are slowly poisoning me. They cause a physical ache that is with me every second of the day.

Then the tears come because this is not who I am. It’s not who I want to be. I want to be happy again. I want to live again. I simply don’t know how.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Today is the first day...

...of the rest of my life.

Today I am forty-two years old. And it's time to make some changes. I've spent the last year and a half in a state of fear, denial and emotional pain. I've also made some really smart moves and I'm proud of myself for what I've accomplished. I've made some stupid moves too. Things that I'd rather forget than dwell on. But none of us is immune to the occasional dumb decision. Today I'm putting all of it behind me, taking a deep breath and focusing on the future.

I have no idea what that future holds. But I intend to take it all one day at a time, make the best of it and cherish each and every moment.

I do know that I have an amazing group of friends. In real life and in cyber space. And ALL of you have been an invaluable support system for me. I can honestly say that if it hadn't been for each and every one of you I may not have gotten through everything and don't know that I'd be where I am right now. A few people need to be thanked personally..

Mom and Dad... I love you more than I can possibly express and I am forever grateful for your constant support.

Deb and Pete, you and the girls ARE my family. Thank you for believing in me. And for putting up with my constant seesaw of emotions, late night knocks at your door and my seemingly endless supply of tears. You have stuck by me, held me up when I needed it and pushed me to go after my dreams. I love all of you with all of my heart!!

Grace, Mary, Linda, Denise and all of the other "Midnight Mamas", thank you for being my cheerleaders, my soft place to fall and the place I could let it all out without fear of judgement. I love you all dearly!

Peggy, thank you for showing me that strength IS possible in the face of terrible things. Your amazing strength and resilience has been a HUGE inspiration to me. And thank you for reminding me that with God all things are possible. I'd lost sight of that recently and your incredible faith brought it back to me.

Jeannette, thank you for listening, offering support, love and advice when I was at my lowest. Your friendship is a blessing.

Alana, thank you for listening, offering support advice and a simple cyber hug whenever I needed it.

Amy I, thank you for your support and always making me giggle when I needed too.

Tracy D-S, thank you for being my "sister from another mister" and for believing in me no matter what. And yes we WILL meet someday. We'll drink wine, laugh and have a blast!

Amy M, thank you for always having a kind word for me and offering me support when I was feeling down and out.

Randy P, thank you for making me smile, and even laugh, when I didn't think I could. I don't know if you were even aware that you often made a bad day a little bit better.

Mike V, thank you for listening to me and helping me through so much of this with your advice and suggestions. I have appreciated it more than I can express.

John L, thank you for always jumping in and reminding me that there are many people rooting for me and who want to see me succeed.

Stephanie B-G and Stephanie R-M, thank you for your kind words, your support and for always making me smile.

Susan V and Dawn B, thank you for always commiserating with me and cheering me on. I admire both of you for your strength and resilience. We WILL come out on top no matter what!

And finally...

Shithead (private joke), Thank you for believing in me when I didn't believe in myself. For reminding that I AM worth it, I AM strong and I AM capable. Thank you for inspiring me to go after what I wanted. While many people have had an impact on me in the last year and a half you were the one who truly "got me" like no one else ever has. And you will always have a special place in my heart.

I'm sure I'm forgetting someone. It's not intentional. So many of you, in all kinds of ways, have made this difficult time a little easier. Please know I am grateful to ALL of you!

Luv -n- Hugs,

Wednesday, June 1, 2011


People keep asking me about dating.. as in when I'm going start... Well... when I think about dating I'd be lying if I said there wasn't an initial little thrill at the thought of someone new. But it fades quickly. Ending with a shoulder slumping “ugh..”

I SO do not want to deal with that whole ‘getting to know someone’ phase and the awkwardness that comes with it. I’d rather visit the dentist for a root canal. Nice, huh? It’s the truth though. The very idea of re-entering that world is overwhelming, not at all pleasant and makes me shudder.

So when it comes right down to it, the answer to everyone’s question is.. I don’t know. At the moment I don’t have the time or the desire to think about it let alone actually do something about it. I suppose sooner or later it will happen. Likely when I’m least expecting it. How open I am to it, when it does happen, remains to be seen.

Trust is going to be a major issue. That is me, trusting a member of the male species. If my pre-marriage experiences weren’t enough to shatter my faith in all men, my marriage certainly finished the job. Now don’t any men go and get their boxer briefs in a bunch. I’m not saying all men are untrustworthy or players or blithering idiots. Just the one’s still part of the available pool. The good men are all taken or gay. As far as I can tell anyway. Or, if there are any good one’s left, they’re outside of the realm of attainability. Because I haven’t seen one around here lately. And unfortunately relocation is not an option.

Ugh.. I got married so I’d never have to deal with this s**t again. I could pledge a life of singlehood and celibacy. And I have uttered just those words to my closest friends (and probably all of my Facebook buddies as well). But again, I have to be honest, I have moments of loneliness. They pass quickly but I know eventually it’s going to bother me a lot more.

And yes, I KNOW I have six kids (eye roll) and I LOVE and ADORE all six of them. So PLEASE don’t toss that line (But you have six kids!!) my way or I may have to hurt you. (said with love) It’s not the same thing. And if you think it is you’re either happily married/attached or delusional. Therefore making you incapable of really understanding where I'm coming from. (again said with a smile)

I miss the intimacy that kind of relationship has. Not sex. So get your minds out of the gutter. Intimacy is not always synonymous with sex. It's about the deep connection between two people committed to, and deeply in love with, one another. There’s an empty space where that relationship used to be. I am finding things to fill that space with.. temporarily. I suspect that, eventually, I’ll want that kind of relationship to fill it again. Maybe. (shudder) See! I shudder every time I think about the notion... (shudder)