Saturday, September 24, 2011

Just existing...

I go to work. I cook. I clean. I do the laundry. I pay the bills. I take care of the kids. I read a lot. I watch a lot of TV. I don’t sleep much. I don’t eat much or much of the right things. I cry more often than I thought I would at this point. I don’t feel good. I don’t feel happy. I’m not living. I just exist.

I trust no one. I’ve slowly begun to build a wall around myself. I’ve closed myself off from just about everyone and everything. I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m angry at certain people, at certain situations. I hold it all in. I fight the urge to let loose a volcanic tirade on the ex, on his family, on his friends, on some of my former friends and all of the people who have used me, abused my kindness, taken advantage of my vulnerability and then tossed me aside like I was little more than garbage. And then used crap excuses and bold face lies to justify their attitudes and behavior.

I have bitterness in my heart that no amount of wishing, praying or “kissing it up to God” has changed. I take pleasure in the misfortune and bad luck of those who have hurt and wronged me. I don’t like that feeling. I’ve always been a sympathetic person. I’ve always felt a profound sadness and empathy for others when they’ve gone through rough times. Now I relish it, enjoy it. I think, “Good! They deserve it. Karma is a bitch isn’t it? I hope they’re miserable every second of every day of the rest of their lives.” I want them to hurt. I want them to feel the same pain and humiliation they inflicted on me. In my bitter, aching heart I think they deserve it.

I’m told it’s normal, human, to feel this way. And that may be. But I don’t have to like it. I don’t want to feel this way. I’m told to “Just let it go.”. Gee, now that’s a fabulous idea. Now tell me HOW. HOW do I “let go of it”?? Is there’s a switch somewhere I’m unaware of?? Am I missing some vital component that I need in order to “just let it go”?? Because it would seem that I am incapable of doing that.

I find myself lying awake at night, staring into the dark, unable to sleep. There’s an ever changing, never ending, movie playing in my head. I imagine terrible things happening to the people I can’t stop hating. And I imagine turning them away with a bitter, evil laugh if they come crying to me with their woes. I imagine looking them in the eye and telling them that they’re getting what they deserve. These feelings are slowly poisoning me. They cause a physical ache that is with me every second of the day.

Then the tears come because this is not who I am. It’s not who I want to be. I want to be happy again. I want to live again. I simply don’t know how.

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